Updated: Feb 2, 2022
Over the weekend, I got a chance to catch up with a good friend. You know the kind of friend that you don't talk to every week, but when you catch up it's like you never missed a beat. We talked about work, family life and then somehow the conversation shifted to BOUNDARIES! Why we needed them and who is responsible when they are crossed.
So I began to wonder...Is setting boundaries selfish?
Ummmmmm......NOT. AT. ALL! It can be the most loving thing you do for yourself.
If you have well defined boundaries you don't OVER COMMIT out of guilt. The projects you do say yes to, are completed with more intentionality. It's a win win scenario.
Here are 3 ways YOU can set healthy boundaries!
`1) What's On Your Plate Self-Check.
This is the first thing you MUST do to create healthy boundaries. You can't fix anything you won't face. So, take a minute and write down all the family responsibilities, work goals, personal ambitions, and volunteer projects that you have on your plate.
Really take the time to see what may be causing you unnecessary stress because your plate is too full. When you see it written down, it can provide you the evidence you need to begin creating better boundaries. Recognize that you have the power of choice to remove things and not add additional things to an already full plate.
2) Understand the Yes/No Relationship.
Whatever you say yes to, you are saying no to something else. This relationship is linked together.
If your neighbor asks you last minute to watch her children, and you quickly reply "oh sure, bring the kids over." Your quick yes response to your neighbor is a no to the spa pamper time you had planned for yourself. Every yes you give, is a no to something else.
The best way to set boundaries with other people is by exercising the power of "NO." Let's say it together.....deep breaths, eyes closed, NOOOOOOOOOOO. Whew, see that wasn't so bad. Lol!
Don't allow guilt to run your life anymore - try these tips to begin your new love affair with the word NO.
If someone asks you to do something:
*Delay giving an immediate response and say "Can you give me a minute to check my calendar and get back to you?" This lets people know that, yes you do have a life and they may have to get a plan b if you're busy. Just don't forget to put it down in your calendar to follow up with them later.
*Respond immediately with a positive - negative - positive answer. "Hey Darryl, I would love to speak at your event, but I have another commitment that weekend, you organize great events so keep me in mind for the future."
Stop allowing guilt to keep you a prisoner in your own life. Say no more often and people will begin to respect the boundaries you create.
3) Break Up With Guilt
Be generous with yourself. Stop allowing guilt to bully you into living a life you don't love. Your meaningful relationships can survive the boundaries you create.
Guilt is full of judgement towards yourself and not wanting to let people down. Well the truth is that you are not super woman - she legit doesn't exist. Guilt lies to us all and says that if we don't help this person and say yes, then it will be our fault if things don't work out for them. This is a trap to keep us stuck in self-harming patterns. Become aware of how guilt creeps in and decide to do things differently.
Be free today and become aware of the ways guilt hinders you from creating the boundaries that can truly change your life.
What boundaries are you brave enough to change today?